“How do I explain that homosexuality is unnatural to my kid?"

This was the question a mom recently asked me during a consultation while adding:

I could tell this mom was genuinely trying to support her child’s sex education so I asked her to share a little more with me about her concern. She went on to explain that in her belief system, homosexuality exists yet it is considered unnatural and she’s afraid that if she explained what homosexuality is to her 11 year-old that he would think she is saying that it’s OK to be gay.

I asked her, “If your son said he was gay, how would you react?” She responded, “Well, I think at this age many kids don’t understand what they’re feeling so it would be something that I would probably say will change as he gets older.”

Here is where the teacher in me felt a gut punch for so many of my past students. I vividly remember one freshman student who told me he could never tell his parents that he was gay because he knew his parents wouldn’t understand. When I asked him how he was so sure that they wouldn’t understand, he said it was when he was little he heard his dad say that he didn’t make gay kids and that made him realize that even though his parents said being gay was OK, it was really only OK for other people not him or his siblings.

As parents, we always want the best for our kids. We want them to be happy and have fun and we strive to make their life easy! But our kids are human. They have a range of emotions just like us. So when we think that it would be easier or ‘more natural’ to be straight because that’s what we know as a parent, we may say things that reflect that belief. This may feel unassuming to us, but to our kid who’s questioning themselves, it sounds unsupportive. This may make our kid hide their feelings from us and turn to others for advice and support.

When I developed Top Talks, I focused on teaching parents how to deliver the medically-accurate and age-appropriate information first. This is intentional as kids need to receive a baseline of factual information about sex and sexuality so that they can take care of their body and health. Then parents can share their values and beliefs about the topic. When parents lead with their values and beliefs first, the foundational information often doesn’t get explained. This was the strategy I used with this mom.

I asked her, “Let’s imagine you go to explain what LGBTQ means to your son by providing the medically-accurate information first and he understands that sexual orientation isn’t a choice a person makes. He then asks you if you would still love him if he thought he was gay. What would you say?” She took a moment and said, “Of course I still love him but he’s only 11 and doesn’t know anything about sex. He probably isn’t gay but because of all the media and movies showing men kissing, he is feeling like it’s OK to do.”

I told her to take a moment and think how he might feel hearing that. That you love him but you think he is confused and being influenced by what he sees instead of how he feels. How might that affect how he talks to you or shares his feelings with you moving forward? Let’s imagine he asked the same question but at 21 years-old instead of 11, ‘Would you still love me if I was gay?’ would your response be different?

She continued to respond that he’s still young and he may be influenced by the entertainment industry and social media. I could see herself internally struggling to uphold her beliefs that being gay is OK but it was becoming clear that she was OK with people being gay outside of her family. I asked her, “Could you love your son at any age if he was gay?” She paused and said, “yeah, he’s my son.”

I encouraged her to feel that and lean into it. He will learn about homosexuality, whether or not she explains it to him. He will also learn about their religion’s beliefs about homosexuality, whether or not she shares those beliefs with him. I told her to consider explaining that the religion believes that homosexuality is unnatural based on the religious teachings, but to also share with him that she will always love him and support him because he is her son.

Over 50% LGBTQ youth (ages 13-24) recently experienced depressive symptoms and nearly 40% seriously considered attempting suicide. As a parent, I never want my child to feel so depressed that they consider ending their life. If we know that youth are statistically at a higher risk for depression and suicide compared to straight kids, we must take that knowledge and use it to help our own kids. Even if that means we must internally struggle with our own values and beliefs.

Are you struggling with your values and beliefs about sex, sexuality, and sexual health? Or how to share those values in an age-appropriate way? You’re not alone. Top Talks leads you through having the sex talks with medically-accurate and age-appropriate scripts and guides you through the process of sharing your family values and beliefs about each topic.

If you have questions after watching the free preview lesson of Top Talks, reach out to me via email. I want to help you have these talks! [email protected]

Should I start the Sex Talks at 12 years-old?

Short Answer: YES!
Long Answer: ⬇️

If you haven’t grabbed my Starter Pack for the talks, now’s the time!

I’ve always said that I’m here to help parents where they’re at! If your goal is to start having the sex talks, I want to help you!!

I’ve designed Top Talks, The Early Guide, & the Topics in a Jar series to make it easy for you to get the talks going!

Don’t wait until your kid asks you a sex question to start learning how to answer it!

💕Kathleen