The Phrase You Should Never Say

When it comes to explaining what is sex, parents often struggle with what to say because sex is an adult thing. I want you to know that it’s natural to feel nervous and uncomfortable about this topic because you're explaining adult things to kids.

Sex education was never a topic that was taught well when we were in schools and it continues to be debated and restricted to this day. Yet, kids still ask the question, “What’s sex?" and as parents we get caught off guard because our kid seems so young to be asking this question. We hesitate to answer because we’re unsure what to say. And sometimes we say, "I'll tell you about that when you’re older.”

Don't say that. Ever.

This phrase shuts down your kid’s sex questions and makes it unlikely for them to ever ask you the question, “What's sex?” later on when they get older. Here’s why ⤵️

• Your kid has noticed your discomfort when they asked the question.

• Many kids will think that sex is something that is bad or wrong because of you're unwillingness to explain it to them. (Think about it, whenever you don’t a clear answer to a question you’ve asked at work, is it usually a good thing?)

• Your kid has no idea when ‘older’ means so they will most likely never ask you the question again out of fear that you will say the same thing to them.

• They are still curious about it, maybe even more now since you’ve avoided explaining it to them, and they will go searching for an answer elsewhere.

You don’t want to shut down the sex talks with your kid just because you got overwhelmed in that moment!

Here’s a few things to know about The Sex Talk:

1. Most kids hear the word sex, for the first time, at some point during the Intermediate age (ages 7,8,9).

2. Explaining what is sex during the Intermediate age aligns with the World Health Organization’s guidelines for sexuality education.

3. Defining sex during the Intermediate age is considered a protective factor against Child Sexual Abuse.

Rather than avoiding the sex talk by saying, “I’ll tell you about that when you’re older.” You can go ahead and confidently explain it to your kid because you know that it’s age-appropriate.

What Should You Say Instead?

“That’s a great question! What do you think sex is? Got any guesses?”

This response praises their question. Repeats the word that they’re asking about. And encourages a conversation. When said in an upbeat tone, your child will sense that you are looking forward to talking to them about it.

What usually happens here is the kid will say 1 of 2 things:

1. I don’t know what sex is, that’s why I’m asking you.

2. On the bus home, Luke said that babies come from sex.

Of course there can be a variety of ways that kids hear about sex, but oftentimes they’ve heard the word and have no idea what it means or think that sex is something related to making babies.

Once your kid shares their guess to you, you must follow-up with an answer. Either explain what sex is or delay explaining it (for just a moment!). If your plan is to delay because you need to refresh your memory on how to define sex for an 8 year-old you can say:

This buys you some time and there's nothing wrong with buying yourself time! It is an important talk! When you go back to have that talk later on in the evening, you can explain that sex refers to biological sex based on chromosomes that reference males, females, and intersex individuals as well as vaginal, anal, and oral sex.

Defining sex is part of layer 1 of The Sex Talk. There are common reactions, responses, and follow-up questions that the majority of kids have after learning what sex is. How to react, respond to their reactions, and answer their follow-up questions is all covered inside Top Talks. Check out a free preview of Top Talks here.

Did you know some webpages on the CDC website contain notices?

I was surprised to see a notice on the CDC website for the Youth Risk Behavior Survey (YRBS) Data. It is a notice to inform the public that the data collected inside the YRBS about gender identity should be disregarded as the current Administration does not believe it to be true. Here’s why I believe collecting this information is beneficial for youth and parents ⤵️

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Thank you for being here & getting prepared to answer your kid’s sex questions!

If you’ve got a question or topic that you’d like to see discussed here next week, reply to this email!

💕Kathleen